Bloggin WHAT?

So, I feel it is necessary to start at the beginning. To give people that find this and that do not know me from Adam. An idea of what they may be spending thier so called "precious time" on. Again, time is an illusion. I come from a small nuclear family of 8. Well if you know Mormons thats small right! Bless. Three borthers, two sisters and I am the fourth kid and a Leo. So I am still always starved for attention and no-one rememberers my name. Time out for the pitty dance. 💃 Ok that's enough.

Seriously, don't cry for me Argentines because my family is great. I have had a lot of fun being in my shoes. Don't get me wrong everyone of us has hard shit thrown at us in life. Right? I could choose to go on and on and on about struggle, heartbreak, disappointment, co-dependability, lies, cheating, and betrayal just not today. I just want to keep it for later.

That's it about me today. NOW! About you?

HOMEWORK FOR YOU!

Take a minute TODAY, no time like the present , to step outside yourself!

Step-out into the beauty of who you are, the Master of who you are, the Being of who your are, the Light of who you are.

Just for a moment and FEEL!

FEEL all. All those that BELIEVE in you. FEEL all those that love you. I do. I love you. Because you are a reflection of me. I am a reflection of you. We've been through so much together. I LOVE YOU! FEEL all those things that are a part of you, a part of your DNA. To Every level of who you are! Your mind, your body, your spirit, your energy! FEEL IT! The very abise, the endless abise of who you are YOUR TRUTHS, YOUR LIGHT, YOUR LOVE!

Do it for yourself and Feel my love for you, all our love for you.......

Can you?

I can feel you, your hearts, your fears, your wants, your dreams. Everyday of my life I have struggled with understanding. I feel everything. Now I know why I've made the choices I've made , the places I've retreated to, the moments of serious reflection. I had to pull away it's so much energy. It's just I am not the only one feeling this. But I can only take care of me. I am enough. I am loved. I am creatively designed , and divinely loved. I believe we are all a part of the same source , the same light, the same energy and it loves us so much it has given us eternal life to understand. If you take one color out of the Rainbow, is it a Rainbow? If your are part of a family do you stop loving someone because they are different ?

All my love

Until Moday my friends, I am going to play, and sing, and feel your love to me!

Peace

Mariah 4-26-2019

Did you try?

Did you step outside yourself and feel?

It's amazing how getting out of your mind and remembering how much you mean to this moment can change your day .

At the bottom of this site I wrote "A place to believe and feel." The difference in the two words is massive .

My very first memory of childhood was admiring how beautiful my mother was . We were on the steps of our old home in Braidwood. Walker street I believe was the name. Braidwood a small forgotten coal mining town in IL. She, my younger sister, and baby brotherand I. Mother was taking bites out of an apple and sharing them with us. It was such a sweet moment for me personally, like I said being number four in our family and a girl, I was starved for attention . She was so magical to me. Her name> Rebecca. What a stunning name for a stunning woman. Her beautiful tan skin, from the many summer days taking us to the local beach, that was just a hole left from the mining someone created a beautiful recreation club out of. Her long wavy black hair, that was so thick and soft to touch. It always carried her smell and I loved it. Mom was in the best mood that moment. Smiling down at her 3 little kiddos left at home, while the three older ones were at school for a few more hours. I couldn't wait to grow up and look just like her. Be the angel to my children she was to me. I felt her love for us right then, for me right then. She was giggling and laughing just enjoying us chewing up the juicy fruit. I'm very grateful that this was my first memory of anything in my life. I think it set me up to always see beauty in everyone and everywhere . My mother's eyes would just sparkle when she laughed. Her laugh so loud and shrilling at times but amazing when she relaxed and let it go. You see being a stay at home mother of six was grueling, I'm sure. She is so silly she always wanted 8 babies. I'm glad she stopped at 6.

4-29-19

Let go of the things that no longer serve you.

Peace

4-30-19

I needed a few days to make sure I was able to write the next post without it having a negative affect. So part of clearing things that no longer serve you, is making sure that it's clear. That the emotions won't rise up and kick me in the ass.

So the memories that I have can absolutely smack me in the face and nail my ass back to the ground so hard I become disoriented and difficult to be around . That's not fair to anyone close .

5-1-2019

So, my first memory made me FEEL. It was short and sweet. Very sweet.

My second memory not as much. It made me BELIEVE. It made me believe something so deep, so ingrained and disturbing that for much of my life I truly BELIEVED I was exactly that thing. It took myself proving to myself ,year after year, and challenge after challenge to even see ever so slightly that what I believed about who I was as a person as a mother ,as a wife, as a singer, photographer, diamontologist, manager, mother-in-law ,child, friend, lover, partner was absolutely wrong.

The memory is to provide an example to my issue. MY issue. Not to place blame to be clear.

In our home growing up my mother was always doing projects . She must have the most energy out of anyone I have ever met in my life. She is constantly constructing beauty around her. At this moment she was creating homemade wreaths. Materials and tools to complete the projects were everywhere in our communal space of the living room. Our days usually consisted of us my younger sister, who had to be maybe three, baby brother, and I playing around Mom while she was at her work. Mom was tending to the smallest of us and my younger sister picked up one of the tools Mom recently was using to cut strips of material for her newest creation . It was the craft knife. If you don't know what that is, just google it and see. It's a small thin utility blade that is extremely sharp and dangerous . Again I was very small yet also. Maybe almost 5 but not in school yet because the others were away at school. I knew when I saw my little sister that she was going to really hurt her self and Mom was busy with the baby bro that Mom wouldn't have enough time to get to my sister before some real damage was done. So I took it upon myself to be helpful and take charge of the situation by removing the very dangerous object from my lil sis's tiny hands myself .

Yep, you guessed right! The lil sis didn't want to give up the new shiny sharp dagger so a tug of war commenced . Mom realized what was going on and rushed to help from across the room but it was to late. As soon as I let go,or so I thought , SLICE. So smoothly through my tiny palm. All I felt was a sting and the blood came pounding out of the gash. Until this moment , this dumb, monumental moment that paralyzed me for the longest time, I thought I was going to be a great adult.

Mom rushes over and blood is everywhere. My hand is pounding in pain and she starts screaming . She removed the blade I never really let go of from my bloody little hand placed it somewhere safer I suppose, picks me up and rushes me to the bathroom screaming "YOUR SO STUPID! YOUR SO STUPID MARIAH! WHY? WHY DID YOU DO THAT? WHY DIDN'T YOU LEAVE HER ALONE? YOUR SO SO STUPID!"

I BELIEVED her. From that moment on, I believed I was so so stupid. To stupid to make good choices for myself, to stupid to make friends, to stupid to be happy, to stupid to trust myself, to stupid to do well in school, to stupid to help others. To stupid turned into not deserving, which turned into not good enough, which led to situations over and over proving that I wasn't good enough. I was Just to fucking stupid.

I! Let me repeat that! I allowed my tiny little brain of under five to BELIEVE THAT words in the heat of the moment words said, to affect me in every choice I made from that day on. Until I woke up.

I was deeply contemplating my own suicide. I was trying to figure out a way to make it look like an accident so my children and family wouldn't feel as if they could have said or done something . Because that's what we do right? We always wonder how we could have helped someone or if we maybe could've said something . I was rock climbing alone in Provo. I had just had another fight with my son about how I wasn't good enough to spend time with my grandchild. I had just left a 6 figure job to traipse accros the country to help, while my daughter in law was recovering from complications of child birth. I was unwanted, by the most important people in the world to me. I was alone, unwanted , unnecessary , a burden , uncomfortable and hanging on the side of a cliff. No ropes. I thought how easy this would work. Just a slip of my hand and BOOM. Done. Lights out. No more feelings. At that very same moment I decided I would rather keep living. That I would move back home start over and figure out why the fuck I could accomplish so much in my life with little to no means and want to believe I wasn't good enough. Within minutes of getting back on the ground my lil Sis called. I'm not kidding, that same lil sis. She begged me to come home close to family that did love me and believe I was enough .

I saved her from a tiny blade and she saved me from myself.

The definition of feeling is the function or the power of perception by touch.

I felt my mothers love, it touched my heart.

The definition of believe is to have confidence in the truth, the existence or the reliability of something without having proof.

I had no proof I was worthless . Time and time again I had proven to myself I wasn't . But I did believe it. Not anymore.

5-2-2109

Peace